April 6,1976

Family Plot

The introvert in me resists going out, particularly when it necessitates small talk with people I don’t feel comfortable with (the other NBC secretaries). However, when I commit and follow through, I tend to use my remaining time more wisely, like the example above. Since I understand this dynamic intellectually, you’d think it would be easy to make commitments to leave my house but it’s not.

My NBC ID card
My NBC ID card

My usual excuse – which I fully believe when I use it – is that I can’t go out and socialize because I have too much writing or organizing to do. At any given time, this is true. A truly overwhelming amount of desperately-needed organization has been hanging over my head for at least thirty years. It doesn’t get done even when I prioritize it. I live for the day it’s complete – it would be fantastic to be unencumbered by clutter – but I don’t make progress. There must be massive subconscious resistance at work.

My friend Gailya Melchoir with stepdaughter Mindy and son Brandon, 1970s
My friend Gailya Melchoir with stepdaughter Mindy and son Brandon, 1970s

I’m better about writing than organizing, but not a lot. External deadlines usually do the trick, although I’m a master procrastinator and don’t get serious until the last minute, Still, give me an external deadline – something due for someone else, not myself – and whatever I need to do gets done. Self-imposed deadlines don’t work because there’s nothing to stop me from extending them to accommodate my inherent laziness.

LATER X

Energy Saving Mode

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’d love to change these self-destructive tendencies and for a long time I harbored the illusion it was possible – I’d learn from my mistakes and make better choices. Unfortunately, it hasn’t happened yet and I’m losing faith that it ever will.