This wasn’t my first – or last – fantasy about taking drastic measures to escape my life. I didn’t follow through on this brilliant plan or any of the others which didn’t stop me from devising new schemes to start over someplace else whenever I’m overwhelmed where I am.
![Flying away to Sweden](http://www.kathleenrowell.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Flying-to-Sweden-1024x722.jpg)
Before my wedding, I thought about hopping a plane and disappearing in Sweden (because I took Swedish at UCLA, as if that would do me any good.) Thank God I lost my nerve – or regained my senses – and showed up at the church on time. Sticking around and seeing things through was always the right choice.
![Hop a train to a new life, new name, new city.](http://www.kathleenrowell.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/Hop-a-train-to-a-new-life-new-name-new-city.-992x1024.jpg)
The fantasy of running away – starting a new life with a new name – is probably impossible in our high-tech surveillance-happy world. Even if I could, there’s no reason to believe my new life would improve on the one I’m living. As the saying goes, wherever you run to, you take yourself with you.
![Go where?](http://www.kathleenrowell.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/GO-1024x712.jpg)
And of course, “myself” is the problem. The only way to change my circumstances is change myself. It’s an inside adjustment, not an outside one. I didn’t know that in ’69, as I sank into a bottomless clinical depression. I find solace in the fact that no matter how much I wanted to leave this life, I stayed – and you know what? It got better.
![These boots are made for walking - incognito woman of mystery somewhere far north of here](http://www.kathleenrowell.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/These-boots-1024x774.jpg)